Numb, Yet Learning To Let Go
There is truly a time for everything.
When you have lost a child to a miscarriage, stillbirth or shortly after birth.
There is a time where you are filled with a grief beyond grief.
It is a place so painful that even tears can not enter.
There are times when you feel numb to pain, and that you simply could not cry any more tears. You are in the stage of letting go.
People talk about stages of grief but, until you are the one moving through these waves, they are just words that you have heard or read.
CS Lewis had spoken and written of grief but, after his wife passed and he wrote "A Grief Observed" in this book there is a marked difference in tone.
You can tell this is a man who has had his world come apart at the seams.
He is clinging to God like a desperate shipwrecked man, clings to a rock.
I remember the early days, late at night I would wake up and think that my son would be in the other room sleeping, and I should go check on him.
It would take a few moments for me to bring my mind back to the reality of what had happened.
Inevitably the tears would flow.
I had this small blue dog that Alexander had been given at his shower,
I would cling to it and cry out to the Lord to deliver me from my anguish.
The words of Psalm 25 were ones I would quote over and over
"Turn to me and be gracious to me,for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish"
soon after this my tears would dry, and I would lie there completely broken before God.
I was in that place where a heart could cry no more.
This a difficult place to be, but it was in these times that I felt most close to God.
During this time I could feel his words come alive for me between the pages of the bible.
My times spent in prayer, praising him for what he was accomplishing in my life were moments I looked forward to
A few weeks after Xander passed, we took his ashes out to a lake that was near our home.
It was the place where we had celebrated our 2nd anniversary, and first decided we wanted to start a family.
It seemed the perfect place for our son to rest.
As we drove out to the spot, the song Amazing Grace played on the radio.
It was just the right song for that moment.
As we placed our son, my husband and I prayed to the Lord and thanked him for the time we had spent with Alexander and we praised him for the work he would do in heaven.
It was in that moment I let go, and knew I was being healed.
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