The Beginning Of an Ending
On Wed March 1st, 2006 I went into the Clinic to have my usual check-up. My thoughts were pretty light as I drove the down the freeway. My hand was protectively over my very large belly and I remember turning up the radio hoping to have my son join me in song while in womb. I pictured a time soon, when we would be driving to the clinic together… my heart longed for him to be out with me.
When I got into the exam room I felt great… the assistant and I joked how soon this would all be over and I would be getting up every two hours to take care of my baby. The midwife, Sally came in and started my exam. She picked up the fetal monitor to check his heartbeat. All she kept picking up was my heartbeat… there wasn’t that fast paced pud pud pud pud.. I was used to. I tried to stay calm and be rational as she told me in a quiet voice to come down with her to the ultrasound room to try get a clear heartbeat. She started looking and couldn’t pick up a heartbeat. Sally told me that she was going to get Dr. Shea and he would look and see because she couldn’t detect any movement… she left the room.
I lay there on the table, I counted my every breath, one… two… three… “No!” I thought “This is not happening Melissa, when Dr. Shea comes in he will be able to find it… he is a doctor, this is just a little mistake” “Stay Calm!” more thoughts rushed into my head “What will I do if this is true? Do I call Dave? Do I go home?” I grabbed onto the table and stared up at the ceiling “Lord” I prayed, “help me, give me strength”
Dr. Shea came in, and a few moments of looking proved the worst… my baby had died. There was no blood flow in the cord and he was not moving.
My most horrible thoughts and nightmares of the past 9 months had come true. They helped me sit up and I just stared at the door… “Can I call my husband please, before we make any decisions” I asked in what I hoped was a controlled voice.. “Of course” they answered.
I remember, I walked down the hallway… barely seeing anyone or anything…I just kept wishing I could take back those last few moments and replay them differently..
In my mind I envisioned it…. We would rush over to the hospital and do an emergency c-section. Everything would be fine and he would come out just great, beautiful, breathing and alive. I had to keep pulling my mind back into the present.. “No, this is the way it will be, he has passed on you need to deal with this pain, not pretend”
Sally showed me into her office and explained how the phones worked.. I waited till she had walked out the door and then feeling safe I buried my head in my arms and just sobbed. Questions rushed into my brain like sharp spikes “Why did this happen?” “He would have been fine outside… why did my body do this?” and “What’s wrong with me” “ Did I lift something, was I doing to much” finally.. my thoughts quieted down and I could pray…. “Father God, please show me your mercy and help me understand what is happening… help me to be gracious to others and show your grace and glory to others. Please, most of all just give me the strength to pick up that phone and tell Dave what happened”
I turned to dial
The next few hours were a blur of motions and emotions
We went through everything with blank faces our minds and hearts clinging so desperately to our hope that Christ was working this out. It was not for us to understand, just to trust.
We spent 17 hours in labor and finally held our son for the first and last time.
Our family gathered around and we had a time of prayer offering him to God and saying goodbye.
It had seemed to me that the hard part was finished....
I had given birth and physically I could heal.... I felt like the next part would certainly be easier.
What I did not know, was that the healing of a bruised soul is not an instant process.
At that point I did not know the nights of grieving that were in store for me.
To reach the heavenly heights sometimes we must dwell in the valley of despair.
No comments:
Post a Comment