My Experience With A Stillborn Child

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The Beginning Of an Ending

On Wed March 1st, 2006 I went into the Clinic to have my usual check-up. My thoughts were pretty light as I drove the down the freeway. My hand was protectively over my very large belly and I remember turning up the radio hoping to have my son join me in song while in womb. I pictured a time soon, when we would be driving to the clinic together… my heart longed for him to be out with me.

When I got into the exam room I felt great… the assistant and I joked how soon this would all be over and I would be getting up every two hours to take care of my baby. The midwife, Sally came in and started my exam. She picked up the fetal monitor to check his heartbeat. All she kept picking up was my heartbeat… there wasn’t that fast paced pud pud pud pud.. I was used to. I tried to stay calm and be rational as she told me in a quiet voice to come down with her to the ultrasound room to try get a clear heartbeat. She started looking and couldn’t pick up a heartbeat. Sally told me that she was going to get Dr. Shea and he would look and see because she couldn’t detect any movement… she left the room.

I lay there on the table, I counted my every breath, one… two… three… “No!” I thought “This is not happening Melissa, when Dr. Shea comes in he will be able to find it… he is a doctor, this is just a little mistake” “Stay Calm!” more thoughts rushed into my head “What will I do if this is true? Do I call Dave? Do I go home?” I grabbed onto the table and stared up at the ceiling “Lord” I prayed, “help me, give me strength”

Dr. Shea came in, and a few moments of looking proved the worst… my baby had died. There was no blood flow in the cord and he was not moving.

My most horrible thoughts and nightmares of the past 9 months had come true. They helped me sit up and I just stared at the door… “Can I call my husband please, before we make any decisions” I asked in what I hoped was a controlled voice.. “Of course” they answered.

I remember, I walked down the hallway… barely seeing anyone or anything…I just kept wishing I could take back those last few moments and replay them differently..

In my mind I envisioned it…. We would rush over to the hospital and do an emergency c-section. Everything would be fine and he would come out just great, beautiful, breathing and alive. I had to keep pulling my mind back into the present.. “No, this is the way it will be, he has passed on you need to deal with this pain, not pretend”

Sally showed me into her office and explained how the phones worked.. I waited till she had walked out the door and then feeling safe I buried my head in my arms and just sobbed. Questions rushed into my brain like sharp spikes “Why did this happen?” “He would have been fine outside… why did my body do this?” and “What’s wrong with me” “ Did I lift something, was I doing to much” finally.. my thoughts quieted down and I could pray…. “Father God, please show me your mercy and help me understand what is happening… help me to be gracious to others and show your grace and glory to others. Please, most of all just give me the strength to pick up that phone and tell Dave what happened”

I turned to dial

The next few hours were a blur of motions and emotions
We went through everything with blank faces our minds and hearts clinging so desperately to our hope that Christ was working this out. It was not for us to understand, just to trust.

We spent 17 hours in labor and finally held our son for the first and last time.
Our family gathered around and we had a time of prayer offering him to God and saying goodbye.
It had seemed to me that the hard part was finished....
I had given birth and physically I could heal.... I felt like the next part would certainly be easier.

What I did not know, was that the healing of a bruised soul is not an instant process.
At that point I did not know the nights of grieving that were in store for me.
To reach the heavenly heights sometimes we must dwell in the valley of despair.

Numb, Yet Learning To Let Go

There is truly a time for everything.
When you have lost a child to a miscarriage, stillbirth or shortly after birth.
There is a time where you are filled with a grief beyond grief.
It is a place so painful that even tears can not enter.
There are times when you feel numb to pain, and that you simply could not cry any more tears. You are in the stage of letting go.
People talk about stages of grief but, until you are the one moving through these waves, they are just words that you have heard or read.
CS Lewis had spoken and written of grief but, after his wife passed and he wrote "A Grief Observed" in this book there is a marked difference in tone.
You can tell this is a man who has had his world come apart at the seams.
He is clinging to God like a desperate shipwrecked man, clings to a rock.

I remember the early days, late at night I would wake up and think that my son would be in the other room sleeping, and I should go check on him.
It would take a few moments for me to bring my mind back to the reality of what had happened.
Inevitably the tears would flow.
I had this small blue dog that Alexander had been given at his shower,
I would cling to it and cry out to the Lord to deliver me from my anguish.
The words of Psalm 25 were ones I would quote over and over
"Turn to me and be gracious to me,for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish"
soon after this my tears would dry, and I would lie there completely broken before God.
I was in that place where a heart could cry no more.

This a difficult place to be, but it was in these times that I felt most close to God.
During this time I could feel his words come alive for me between the pages of the bible.
My times spent in prayer, praising him for what he was accomplishing in my life were moments I looked forward to

A few weeks after Xander passed, we took his ashes out to a lake that was near our home.
It was the place where we had celebrated our 2nd anniversary, and first decided we wanted to start a family.
It seemed the perfect place for our son to rest.
As we drove out to the spot, the song Amazing Grace played on the radio.
It was just the right song for that moment.
As we placed our son, my husband and I prayed to the Lord and thanked him for the time we had spent with Alexander and we praised him for the work he would do in heaven.
It was in that moment I let go, and knew I was being healed.

Moving On Yet, Remembering

Just because you have let go doesn't not guarantee immediate healing.
I have heard it said that it takes 9 months to carry a child and have them be born.
When you lose a child it takes that much for your heart to heal.
There were many ups and downs that first year for me.
I remember seeing other children and feeling that misty feeling in my eyes.
As I walked through the grocery store I saw other women struggling with their children and snapping at them, so clearly I remember thinking
"That child is a gift, if only you knew.... if only you could see that"
Sometimes when your wound is healing it can be the smallest things that re-open that.
You learn to ride the waves of grief that appear and keep God clearly in focus.
He is your Savior, the life-raft that brings you safely through the storm.


In all things I give praise and thanks for where he has brought me, and where I will be taken.
It can be so easy to allow the pain to over-ride us. But, even though we are able to grieve, we should never ever let the pain pull us down and engulf us. We are not without hope.
No matter how we might feel, on the other side we will all be reunited and able to rejoice in heaven.

When your child is called home early, be it at 10 weeks, 38 weeks or so many years.... they are called to serve our father in heaven.
My child never broke a bone, never felt pain or was ridiculed. he is where I want to be, honoring Christ in heaven and that was his purpose.
He was created to serve God and that is what he is doing.
Even now, my eyes fill with happy tears thinking of my strong boy waiting for me in heaven.
Thank you God for this blessing!

I feel that I have come a long way over the years and now feel fully healed.
My son would be 4 next year.
Every year I do something special to remember him.

Last year we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. We named her Isabella, and that means gift from God and that, she truly is.
I look at this little person who is learning and growing and am more thankful than I can ever express in words.
I love this little girl, and I pray every day that as her mother I can show her a world where God is worshiped and obeyed.
The Lord gives us strength for all things so as I face this I know he will guide me as I walk this path. He will never leave me or forsake me and that is the promise I rest in.